


Book One: Secrets

by Vampires_Dont_Sleep



Series: I’ve Lived A Thousand Lives (this will be my last) [2]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender, Naruto
Genre: Airbender Uzumaki Naruto, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Avatar & Benders Setting, Alternate Universe - Avatar (TV) Fusion, Avatar Hatake Kakashi, Avatar State, BAMF Dai-nana-han | Team 7 (Naruto), BAMF Haruno Sakura, BAMF Hatake Kakashi, BAMF Uchiha Sasuke, BAMF Uzumaki Naruto, Dai-nana-han | Team 7 (Naruto)-centric, Earthbender Haruno Sakura, F/F, F/M, Firebender Uchiha Sasuke, Gen, Hatake Kakashi-centric, I know, I’m not good at lore but I’ll try, M/M, Memories, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Reincarnation, Spirits, Team as Family, evil ones, good ones, i can’t think of anything else so, lots of them - Freeform, these tags are all over the place
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:02:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28462110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vampires_Dont_Sleep/pseuds/Vampires_Dont_Sleep
Summary: Hatake Kakashi remembers being all the Avatars before him.This is one secret he’ll fight to keep.
Relationships: Dai-nana-han | Team 7 & Hatake Kakashi, Haruno Sakura & Hatake Kakashi, Haruno Sakura & Hatake Kakashi & Uchiha Sasuke & Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura & Uchiha Sasuke, Haruno Sakura & Uchiha Sasuke & Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura & Uzumaki Naruto, Hatake Kakashi & Uchiha Sasuke, Hatake Kakashi & Uzumaki Naruto, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added, Uchiha Sasuke & Uzumaki Naruto
Series: I’ve Lived A Thousand Lives (this will be my last) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2075958
Comments: 18
Kudos: 78





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [I'm Not Your Protagonist (I'm Not Even My Own)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24782971) by [adolescentlycan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/adolescentlycan/pseuds/adolescentlycan), [dogloser](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dogloser/pseuds/dogloser). 



> TW: violence, animal abuse (kind of)

“Hey, Kakashi?” Sakura asks suddenly. Her voice is quiet, almost drowned out by the crackling of the fire. Sasuke crouches by it, spraying down the roaring flames. He gets up after the fire is nothing but smoke, brushing the dirt off his bandaged shins.

“Hmm?” Kakashi looks up from his small orange book with a curious eye, “Did you say something, Sakura?”

The pink haired earthbender opens her mouth to speak, before abruptly ducking, narrowly avoiding Naruto, who tries to sling an arm around her shoulder. She coughs, before continuing.

“I was just wondering, ‘cause I’ve known you for a while, but I don’t really  _ know  _ you, and like, Naruto’s favorite animal is tied between winged toads and nine-tailed foxes, and Sasuke likes cat-ravens, and- oh! They both like animals that fly, that’s sort of cool- anyway, so, um-“ Naruto pats her shoulder, cutting her off. 

“Just say it, Sakura! Sometimes saying things straight out is the best way to go!” He chimes in, practically shouting. Sasuke nods his head, “Hn.”

“I was just wondering, if you had a favorite animal?” She finishes. 

Kakashi, who just went back to reading his book, looks up, raising his eyebrow. “That’s all? Why so nervous, then?” 

She flushes, crossing her arms in front of her, “Well it’s not my fault every time we ask you  _ anything,  _ you start talking about getting lost on the road of life or how black cats are bad luck!” She mumbles defensively.

“Speak clearly, Sakura,” Kakashi intones. She scowls at him, and he gives her an eye-smile in return. 

Sasuke looks at Kakashi. “Well?” he monotones. 

Kakashi blinks. “Well, what?” 

If looks could kill, Kakashi probably wouldn’t be breathing.

“What’s your favorite animal? And you can’t avoid answering by asking a question.” 

Kakashi scratches the back of his head, pretending to be sheepish. “Ah, is that so? Well, I’m actually quite fond of,” the three children lean forward, “dogs!” 

The three children look taken aback, and Kakashi grins behind his mask.

“Just dogs?” Sakura asks tentatively. Kakashi nods his head. “Not...armadillo-dogs?” Sakura looks terribly confused. 

“What about turtle-dogs? Or dog-fish?” Naruto adds. Sasuke stays silent.

Kakashi chuckles, and shakes his head, both of his eyes closed, instead of the usual one. “Not armadillo, or turtle, just normal dogs,” his eye gets a faraway look, “You know, I used to have eight of them. My dad had to pull a lot of weight to get them, and I had to leave them behind when I left the Fire Nation, but they helped a lot when my dad…” He stops abruptly, and coughs into his hand.

Naruto and Sakura exchange curious looks. What happened to his dad?

Kakashi regains his composure, and eye-smiles at the children. “Now, that’s enough story time, kiddos! Time for bed-” he gets cut off by a loud trumpet noise from behind them.

Kakashi curses, “Kids, that’s a saber-toothed elephant-boar, run.”

They take off, Sasuke at the lead, leaving Kakashi to take care of the wild animal. He sighs in relief; with his kids gone, he doesn’t have to restrain himself to just firebending. He takes a good look at the animal. 

Saber-toothed elephant-boars are famous for their aggression, known to attack anything that moves. They’re large, strong, and smart, with fangs sharp enough to cut someone’s head off. This one looked to be female, her tusks framing her trunk, with wickedly sharp fangs dripping with what looked to be her last meal. 

The scent of rancid meat permeates the air, and Kakashi wrinkles his nose at the smell. Airbending wouldn’t help, she was too heavy to effortlessly deal with. Plus, if he did that then he wouldn’t be taking care of the problem, just shoving it on someone else. 

Earthbending wouldn’t be most effective either, since he knew better than most how unpleasant being buried alive was. Probably fire or ice was the best option, but he’d have to be smart if he didn’t want to attract people from the nearby earthbending village.

The wild animal apparently decided to attack, because next thing Kakashi knows, he’s twelve feet higher than he was two seconds ago. He pillows the air around him to slow his fall, and mentally shakes his fists at whatever had decided today was a good day to mess with him. 

He didn’t want to admit it, but he lost control. Even if it was just for a moment, he forgot where he was, got lost in the memories, and he’s shaken. 

He’s shaken, and has to deal with this huge monstrosity.  _ Damn, this thing is fast. _

Now, Kakashi doesn’t think he’s to blame for what happened next. Sure, he was paying attention to the battle, but half his mind was stuck in the past, reliving hundreds of years of traumatizing memories. Power was crawling underneath his skin, threatening to spill out, and it only took a small push for him to lose some of his careful control over himself.

The elephant-boar keeps charging him, and he’s  _ barely  _ dodging each blow, when suddenly everything  _ slows down. _

_ (Kakashi opens his left eye). _

Kakashi takes a deep breath, feeling the earth below him, the moisture in the trees he’s standing against, his inner fire, and the air filtering through his lungs. It feels like the first breath of fresh air he’s had in ten years. 

( _ “Change the world with me, Hashirama,” Madara grins, teeth red with stains from all the blood, and he can’t help but wonder why. Why they have to fight in this war, why so much blood has to be shed. He’s supposed to be the Avatar, so why is he doing nothing? Why is he adding to the body count? He’s nothing but a failure isn’t he.) _

Kakashi _ moves _ , gracefully sidestepping past the bloodthirsty animal, and touches a hand to its hide. It’s as easy as breathing to feel the water in the blood rushing through the violent creature. And it’s even easier to grab  _ control. _

_ (It’s a slaughter. She has always had sharp eyes, but the only thing she sees is red. Everything is red and bloody, and she can see a severed head in the distance, and it’s all her fault. These are her people who are dead, her failure. She knows she’s next, she has to run, but she  _ **_can’t get the images out of her head-_ ** )

At first, Kakashi entertains the idea of controlling the beast's movements, just for fun, but ultimately decides against it. _Breathe in._ He watches with interest as the elephant-boar slowly turns colder and colder, until it is frozen inside and out. **_Breathe_** **_out_** _._ He makes a fist, _squeezes,_ and the thing _shatters._

( _ Her eyes pass over him with no recognition, and he has to finally accept that it’s over. There’s nothing left of once was, everyone is as good as dead. “I’m sorry, do I know you?” Rin asks, and instead of answering he leaves. _ )

Nothing is left of the saber-tooth elephant-boar except tiny shards of frozen flesh and blood. Kakashi smiles, because he won, and the rush of victory flows through his veins. He’s high on it, feels like laughing.

_ (He closes his left eye).  _

The laughter dies from his throat, and suddenly, he feels very sober.

“K-kakashi?” 

Before he even turns around, a deep regret seeps into him, because  _ Sakura  _ is standing a few feet away from him, and she looks  _ scared of him.  _

Then he knows she saw almost everything, because she looks at him with a hearty amount of awe to go along with the fear. It always pains him when people idolize the Avatar, when he knows how much of a failure they are.

He didn’t want any of his kids to find out by him losing control, yet here he is. 

Kakashi imagines it happening again, seeing Naruto or Sasuke with the same expression, and realizes he would do anything to stop that from happening. It was time to tell them what he was.

He swallows around the lump in his throat, and gives her an eye-smile. 

“Yo.”

***

Naruto Uzumaki-Namikaze has been traveling with Kakashi since the air temple he lived in got destroyed. It’s been a year since he left the ruins of his home, and a year isn’t a short amount of time to be around someone, but it’s nothing compared to Sasuke and Sakura. Sakura’s known Kakashi for three years, and Sasuke’s known him for more than five. 

Sometimes (a lot of the time), he doesn’t really feel like he belongs. 

Naruto doesn’t know  _ any  _ of them as well as they know each other. So it surprises him when Sakura says she doesn’t know anything about Kakashi. He feels guilty that a part of him feels relieved that he’s not the only one, but whenever Kakashi looks at him he gets this sad look in his eye. Naruto thinks maybe Kakashi doesn’t like him, and that’s why he doesn’t open up to him. He might just be a twelve year old, but everyone used to tell him he was a great listener. Then he realizes that Kakashi just doesn’t open up to  _ anyone,  _ and Naruto finds that really sad, that he doesn’t have  _ anyone _ .

Naruto learns a lot more about Kakashi, from his strange reminiscing. He also learns that saber-toothed elephant-boars are  _ scary _ , and not to be trifled with. Kakashi stays to take care of it, and Sasuke leads them to a near clearing to wait for him.

“Hey, park ranger,” Naruto starts, and Sasuke scowls at the name, “are you sure he’ll be able to find us?” 

Sasuke rolls his eyes, “Kakashi has the nose of a Shirshu, he would be able to find us from miles away.”

“Hey! There’s no reason for you to sound so condescending, you stick in the mu- wait, where’d Sakura go?” Naruto looks around, and finds their pink haired teammate nowhere in sight. 

Sasuke contemplates, “Well, she probably just stayed behind in case he got injured. She  _ is  _ trying to learn how to heal,” he answers.

Naruto nods, most healers are from the water tribes, so they’re traveling to the northern tribe to get Sakura a proper teacher. Kakashi can probably heal better than half the medical instructors, but you need a license to be able to legally heal patients. Kakashi has no way of getting Sakura one, so they have to do it the traditional way. (It took all three of his companions  _ hours  _ to explain all the legal stuff to him. It just doesn’t make sense! If you can heal someone, you should, a dumb license doesn’t matter!)

Him and Sasuke wait in silence for the others to arrive, and when they do, Naruto immediately knows something is different.

Kakashi looks  _ really  _ sad, like, even sadder than he did when he was talking about his dad. And Sakura looks… well, she looks scared.  _ Of Kakashi.  _ Kakashi shoves his hands in his pockets, and Sakura actually flinches. Kakashi looks as though she just killed his best friend.

“Umm, did something… happen?” Naruto asks, his blue eyes wide with concern.

Kakashi nods, and slumps onto the ground with an  _ oof.  _

“We need to have a conversation,” he sighs.

***

Sakura Haruno ran away from home when she was nine. A few weeks later, she finds Kakashi, and he saves her life. 

She knows he’s the best firebender she’s ever met, and probably one of the top five healers in the  _ world.  _ She knows he doesn’t trust anyone, that everyone he loved is dead, and that whenever there’s a thunderstorm he likes to find the tallest tree around and climb it. She just learned he likes dogs.

She doesn’t know  _ why  _ he doesn’t trust anyone, or climbs trees when it rains. She only knows what she sees, and out of the things she knows about him, only two of them came from his mouth. She’s always a bit disappointed when she asks him a question, and he pretends to not hear, or something similar.

She’s known him for three years. One fourth of her life. Sakura is twelve years old. She doesn’t even _know_ how old Kakashi is. It’s especially hard to tell when he’s _never_ _even_ _shown her his face._

Kakashi is constantly making Sakura sad or disappointed, even if it’s not on purpose, but he always cheers her up when he knows she’s down, and he makes her feel safe.

Sakura has never been afraid of Kakashi. Logically, she knows he would never hurt her.

But Kakashi is the Avatar, and crushes the saber-toothed elephant-boar into pieces like it’s  _ nothing _ . As though the animal’s life doesn’t even matter. He does it without batting an eye, looks practically  _ gleeful  _ at the shards of flesh on the ground. 

Sakura knows Kakashi. He climbs trees during thunderstorms. He’s the best firebender she’s ever met, and is probably one of the top five healers in the world. He doesn’t trust anyone, and everyone he loved is dead, except for her, Naruto, and Sasuke. He likes dogs, and he used to have eight of them. He was in ANBU.

She knows Kakashi would never hurt her, but she doesn’t  _ know this  _ Kakashi. Her Kakashi can sometimes disappoint her, or make her sad.

This Kakashi isn’t disappointing her, but he’s making her  _ really  _ scared.

Both his eyes are open, and glowing white. She blinks, and the light is gone, only remaining as an imprint on her vision.

“K-kakashi?” Sakura hates herself for stumbling over his name, but she’s not sure how to act. Something has just changed drastically, and her view of the world had shifted.

Kakashi turns around, and she relaxes a bit, because his eyes are the usual  _ sadtireddetermination.  _

He gives her an eye smile and a wave, and they walk to Sasuke and Naruto in silence. They arrive at a clearing with familiar heads of blond and black hair, and she feels relieved.

Kakashi moves his hands just a  _ bit  _ too fast, and she flinches, remembering the sound of cracking ice. 

“Umm, did something… happen?” Naruto asks, and Sakura appreciates his concern.

She would be fine with never talking about it for the rest of her life, but Kakashi sits down and says they need to have a conversation.

She takes a deep breath, and sits down as far away as is possible from Kakashi.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The structure of the beginning is inspired by the Victory Series by ewfte

Here is what Sasuke Uchiha can do at twelve:

Run at top speed for more than five hours, make a house out of nothing, start a fire without bending, hunt without bending, heal without bending, use a sword better than people twice his age, do anything a bender can  _ without bending _ .

Sasuke picks up fighting styles quickly, and with so much ease it impresses even Kakashi. He can survive in a blizzard for  _ weeks _ , knows more than 50 different types of knots.

He figures out how to warm yourself up without actually expelling any fire. He studies the different styles benders have, learns their strengths and weaknesses. He learns how to defend himself against benders of all types. It’s a work in progress, but he’s  _ learning. _

It doesn’t compare to pulling lightning from the sky, or building a city with just ten earthbenders, but he’s doing just fine anyway. It doesn’t compare to getting rid of lethal wounds in minutes, but he’ll never die of an infection, because he knows how to make something out of nothing just as good as any firebender.

This is what Sasuke cannot do:

Firebend again, laugh, cry, forget his past, have a family, sleep without nightmares, stop Naruto and Sakura from pitying him, get Kakashi to actually  _ try  _ in a fight against him, protect people from getting hurt (sometimes, he hates everything. The world, himself,  _ everything.  _ Because he tries again and again and  _ again  _ and he  _ always  _ fails, and it feels like nothing will ever go right).

Sasuke knows more about the world than Sakura and Naruto combined, but he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to smile like them. Sakura wants to be a healer, and they all know she’d be amazing at it. She’s smart and kind, and when they come across wounded animals, she nurses them back to health easily. Naruto lights up a room effortlessly, gives great speeches that  _ inspire.  _ He makes jokes that people laugh at, saves people without trying, just by being himself.

Sasuke has no idea who he is. He used to be a happy child, with a plan to join the Fire Nation army when he got old enough. Sasuke left the Fire Nation though, less than a year after the Uchiha Massacre. And now, people see him as arrogant, cold with no emotion.

Naruto and Sakura save people’s lives like they were born to. Sasuke just hurts everyone around him. He’s like shattered glass, and his sharp edges make everyone bleed. When his companions smile, people expect him to scowl, to insult. And he does.

Because it’s easier to feel nothing, to be cynical. It’s easier to cause pain than to feel it. 

So when people call him mean, or rude, or show their dislike, it’s fine, Sasuke doesn’t mind.

It’s  _ fine. _

(He’s used to by now anyway).

***

Sasuke looks at Kakashi Hatake, and he sees a man with more secrets than most people will keep in several  _ lifetimes. _ He doesn’t really care though. He might not know Kakashi’s birthday, but Kakashi knows his, and that’s enough.

No two people are the same. Sasuke shows his trust by letting Kakashi know things about him. Kakashi shows his trust by showing Sasuke his back after a spar, by letting himself put down his guard. But Sasuke knows himself, and knows that he is closer to Kakashi than the others, can recognize the fact that this comforts him. Even if he doesn’t know everything about the person who saved his life, at least he knows more than Naruto and Sakura.

Sakura and Naruto don’t understand as much, but that’s alright. It doesn’t really bother Kakashi.

Something is different though, and Sasuke can tell Kakashi is going to say something big.

They all sit, and they fall into an awkward silence. Sakura looks jumpy, Naruto is bouncing his leg impatiently, and Kakashi doesn’t so much as twitch. That’s how Sasuke can tell he’s uncomfortable; he acts like it doesn’t bother him at all.

Kakashi’s careful, measured breaths are obvious to Sasuke. He breathes in every twelve seconds, like clockwork, and his slouch is worse than usual in an attempt to seem aloof.

Naruto wiggles, and finally snaps. “Well come on! Tell us already, you old hedgehog!”

Kakashi coughs and Sasuke rolls his eyes, secretly pleased. It was kind of Naruto to try to lighten the atmosphere. 

“You wound me, Naruto. How could you call me such a name?” Kakashi bemoans. Sakura chuckles nervously.

“There’s no need to be nervous.” Sasuke says flatly. “Just spit it out.”

Kakashi’s finger twitches at the insinuation, but he sighs, and squares his shoulders. “Ah. Well, I’m the Avatar.”

Sasuke’s jaw  _ drops. _

_ What. _

It… did explain a few things though. Firebenders are known as the worst at healing, but Kakashi has always been very good at it. Sasuke can never hear Kakashi’s footsteps because he walks so lightly he’s almost floating. Whenever they camped in the woods, Kakashi would always miraculously find completely flat clearings. Plus, he always-

“...Sasuke! Stop zoning out,” Sakura waves a hand in front of his face. Sasuke blinks, and looks around to find everyone staring at him. 

“Hn.”

They all seem to deem him fine after his eloquent declaration. 

Naruto sits with his arms resting on his knees, and he picks at the grass next to him. “So uh, what exactly  _ is _ this Avatar thing?”

Sakura chokes.

Kakashi’s eyes widen by an increment.

Naruto looks incredibly confused.

Sasuke is  _ tired _ .

***

  
Unlike Naruto, Sakura knows quite a lot about the Avatar cycle and past reincarnations. After all, Hashirama Senju, the founder of the Earth Kingdom, was an Avatar.

(Sakura will never admit it, but she used to want to  _ be  _ the Avatar. Wouldn’t it be amazing to be that strong? To have  _ hundreds  _ of lives to help you master bending? She certainly thinks so. When she first heard about the Avatar, she tore through her public library like a wildfire, reading every book she could about Avatars).

Sakura definitely knows what the Avatar State is. The epitome of power, all the previous Avatar’s muscle memory in one vessel. Frankly, it’s an amazing skill, especially when you master it. Most Avatars just used it as a defense mechanism, or an auto pilot mode. Hashirama though, he took full control of it.

There is no way for anyone, even an Avatar to bend multiple elements at once, except in the Avatar State. Hashirama took full control of that, and invented an entire new type of  _ bending.  _ By mixing waterbending and earthbending, he not only controlled plants, but could also  _ create them. _ Hashirama was a complete genius.

She also knows that even if you’re not entirely conscious in the Avatar State, you still don’t have an entire personality change. That’s something strange, an anomaly about Kakashi, and she resolves to ask him about it in private later.

Because Sakura has known Kakashi for  _ years _ , but she doesn’t really know him. He’s finally telling them  _ something  _ about him, but not the entire story. She doesn’t mean to be selfish, but she wishes she knew even just his favorite food.

Sakura’s first instinct is never to fight, always to help. She wants to heal people, and she’s determined to find out why one of her precious people is so sad. 

***

Naruto doesn’t really get this avatar thing that Kakashi’s talking about.

Naruto is an orphan. Twelve years ago, he was left on the doorstep to the Southern Air Temple. Since then, the monks had raised him as their own. When they’d discovered his airbending, they’d been delighted, and  _ sure  _ he still hasn’t gotten his arrows, but it’s a work in progress! He’s going to be the best airbender  _ ever. _

So yeah, he’d lived in a temple for almost his entire life, but that doesn’t mean he’s sheltered. If the Avatar was an important thing, he’s certain the monks would have told him. 

  
(It didn’t matter that the monks had never believed in him, or tried to get close, they weren’t  _ mean.  _ They fed and housed him, and he was grateful. He had been the worst at airbending, he’d never understood the separating from your connections thing, and he’d always get into fights. The monks had never believed in him, yeah, but at least they hadn’t given up. That was enough.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sasuke is in no way my favorite character, but writing this story made me appreciate him a whole lot more. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, and please consider commenting!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please considering commenting, and have a great day


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